Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy
and those who trust me from the ones who don't.
If you can't see value here,
you're not shopping, you're shoplifting.
You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight,
Israelites, Fanny by the gaslight.
Take a bag, come on. I took one home last night -
cost more than ten pound, I can tell you.
Anyone like jewellery? Look at that one.
Hand-made in ltaly, hand-stolen in Stepney.
It's as long as my arm, not like something else.
Don't think 'cos these boxes are sealed, they're empty.
Only the undertaker sells empty boxes.
By the look of you lot, I'd make more money with my tape-measure.
Here, one price, ten pound.
- Did you say ten pound? - Are you deaf?
Bargain. I'll take one.
Squeeze in. Left leg, right leg.
They call it walking.
You want one, darling? That's it, they're waking up.
Treat the wife - treat somebody else's wife.
It's more fun if you don't get caught.
You want one? Show me a bit of life, then.
It's no good standing like one o'clock half struck.
These are not stolen - they're just not paid for.
Can't get 'em again, they've changed the locks.
Can't come back - I'll have sold out.
Nice bit of stuff.
"Too late" will be the cry when the bargains pass you by.
If you've no money on you,
you'll cry tears big as October cabbages.
Bacon, cozzers!
# So I said I'm on the roam So I need a car
# And I know that I'm getting alive
# And I say I got faith in a season ##
'Ed can hustle a few quid here and there.
'But his real talent lies in cards -
'and gambling with cards.
'Bacon could see that his days
'of selling moody goods on street corners are numbered.
'lt's time to move on and he knows it.'
What you talking about? I'm bloody skinny, pal.
'Course you are. All right, Ed?
Nick the Greek, a pleasure. Tom, what have you eaten?
- I was telling him... - Enough!
You two, join me in my office.
So how much is it, Tom?
You know how much, Nick.
- And that includes the amp? - No.
That does not include the amp.
Shit, Tom. I thought it included the amp.
It doesn't. I'll throw in one of these telephones,
but it does not include the amp.
Very nice.
I hope it includes the speakers.
It doesn't include the speakers or the amp.
It's not supposed to include me getting the hump
with your questions. You want it, you buy it.
What else do I get?
A gold-plated Rolls Royce, if you pay for it.
Don't know, Tom. Seems expensive.
Seems...this seems to be a waste of my time.
That is 900 nicker in any shop,
and you're complaining about 200?
What school of finance did you study?
It's a deal, it's a steal.
It's the sale of the fucking century.
In fact, I'll keep it.
All right, keep your alans on.
Here's a ton.
Jesus Christ!
You could choke a dozen donkeys on that.
You're haggling over 100 pound.
What d'you do when you're not buying stereos -
finance revolutions?
£100 is still £100.
Not when the price is £200.
Not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your sky rocket.
Tighter than a duck's butt!
Let me feel the fibre of your fabric.
'The skinny one is Tom.
'He's the entrepreneur of the bunch.
'He's got a couple of dirty fingers
'in a couple of dirty pies.
'Nick, however, has made it his business
'to have all 20 fat fingers and toes
'in every dirty, bent and stolen pie in London.'
'Between them, there ain't much you can't get hold of.'
That's my 25 grand.
It took me a long time to earn, so treat it with respect.
What about the chef?
What've you come as?
Cupid, stupid.
That's the last time I get fruit off you, Tom.
There was more small armoured things in it than fruit.
You should open a butchers, not a grocers.
If you order stuff from Kathmandu,
don't be surprised if it picks up a few tourists.
Anyway, enough. Where's the money?
Keep your fingers out of my soup!
'Soap is called Soap
'because he keeps his hands clean of unlawful behaviour.
'He's proud of his job and more proud it's legal.
'He represents the more sensible side of the four.'
Are you sure you can afford 25?
It depends how you look at it.
I can afford it if I see it again.
Got the rest from the fat man and Bacon?
Fat man, Bacon and myself.
Looks like it's time to call Harry.
Who's this fat man?
Sandwich, Bacon?
'lt's not easy to take a seat at this card table.
'The amount of money has to be 100 grand upwards
'and there's no shortage of punters.
'This is the man who decides whether you can play -
'Harry, or as some, including himself like to say,
'Hatchet Harry.'
You got it all?
100 grand.
If you got it, you got it. Now, if you don't mind...
- What's this Eddie like? - He's a fucking thief!
'Harry has a colleague, a monster of a man,
'Barry the Baptist.
'He got his name by drowning people for Hatchet.
- Fucking pay. - I'll pay!
'Barry makes sure
'the administrative side of the business runs harmoniously.'
The boy's got a rare ability.
He seems to make cards transparent. He's got...
All right, we can say he's good.
No, he's better than good. He's a fucking liability.
Hold on, what do you think of these?
- We're selling hundreds. - Very nice, Harry.
What's it for?
Don't play innocent, Bazza. Spanking!
There's 25 from me, Tom, Soap and yourself.
100 to the pound. Why the fuck are you counting it?
Because I like to.
A reasonable return should be about 120 grand.
For 25 grand invested, going on experience.
Going on optimism.
Whatever - it'll be enough to send you on a cooking course.
You're not funny, Tom. You're fat -
and look as though you should be, but you're not.
Fat! Who you calling... Jesus!
It's good here, innit? Handy for the tube,
great electrics - I can see why you moved in.
Don't knock it, it's "cheep", like the budgie.
Nobody wants to live next to the people we live next to.
- Anti-social to say the least. - What d'you mean?
He means they're thieving bastards.
When they're not picking peanuts out of poop,
they rip off unfortunate souls of their drugs.
Ssh. Not exactly thick, these walls.
Nice work, John. Get yourself a drink.
Is that it?
How many times must I tell you, Plank?
Find a job worth doing, you'll find your share improving.
Have you got a problem with that?
# Police and thieves in the street
# Fighting the nation with their... ##
Charles, this gear is getting heavier.
I've a suspicion we should have been rocket scientists or...
Nobel Peace Prize winners... something.
Peace Prize? Be lucky to find your penis for a piss -
the amount you smoke.
Who the hell's that?
All right, Willie?
Does it look like I am? Take this.
I'm in danger of breaking a sweat any second.
Charles, why've we got that cage?
Security.
That's right. Security.
What's the point in having it if we're not gonna fucking use it?
I would've used it, Winston, but this is Willie.
- And Willie lives here. - Yes, Charles.
But you didn't know it was until you opened the door.
Chill, Winston. It's me.
Charlie knows it's me, what's the problem?
The problem is, Willie, Charles and yourself
are not the quickest cats at the best of times.
So do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked!
- What is that? - That's Gloria.
I know that's Gloria. What's that?
Fertiliser.
You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter.
You come back with a semi-conscious Gloria
and a bag of fertiliser.
Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
We need fertiliser, Winston.
We also need a money counter.
This money's gotta be out by Thursday.
I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it.
If you do have to buy sodding fertiliser,
could you be a little more subtle?
What do you mean?
We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?
Yeah.
And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertiliser.
You don't look your average horti-fucking-culturalist.
That's what I mean, Willie.
# "The Boss" # by James Brown
# Paid the cost to be the boss
# I paid the cost to be the boss ##
- How long's he been in there? - About...20 minutes.
- Is he on his own? - Yeah, carrying a bag.
Let's pay him a visit, shall we?
'Big Chris settles debts for Harry.
'The only thing he cares more about than unsettled debts
'is his son and heir, Little Chris.'
# Look at me
# Know what you see
# See a bad mother ##
This is one of them... high-powered jobs, innit?
Aaagh!
I've got some bad news for you, John.
What the fuck!
Mind your language in front of the boy.
Jesus Christ!
That includes blasphemy. Now tell me, John,
how can you concentrate on improving this tan -
and it is a lovely tan -
when you've got more pressing priorities at hand?
Tell Harry...l mean Mr Harry,
I've been busy, I'm nearly there.
Check his locker, son.
I don't suppose there's a chance of you lifting this up, Chris?
He's not poor! He's got over a monkey in his wallet!
Fuckin' hell, John, you go round with that in your pocket?
Use language like that again, you'll wish you hadn't!
Sorry, Dad.
Right. Put the rest of the stuff in that.
You can go home in a plastic bag tonight.
You owe what you owe.
By the time this tan's faded you wanna have paid.
- You never would've paid. - Who would pay for shit?
Exactly. We had to...
What the hell are you doing here?
What's up?
Let me guess, my foot in your arse.
Game o'cards - Hatchet Harry?
You're supposed to be getting your rest in, boy.
You playing cards tonight, son?
With Harry?
Don't be silly, Dad. I wouldn't have anything to do with that.
Where'd he get a hundred grand?
He's got adhesive mates - Iike brothers.
They've tossed up between 'em.
And JD, his dad, owns the whole property?
No mortgage, no debts.
Lock, stock - the fucking lot.
Don't worry, Harry. I've got it under control.
Good. You can get this under contol now.
It seems Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money.
These little beauties are up for auction.
I'm not paying a quarter of a million quid for 'em.
If you know what I mean, Barry.
Make sure we get everything from the gun cabinet.
I don't care who you use,
as long as they're not complete muppets.
And don't tell 'em what they're worth, Barry.
# "Spooky" # by Dusty Springfield
# ln the cool of the evening
# When everything is getting kinda groovy #
Right, where was we?
Shotguns...guns that fire shots?
You must be the brains.
That's right, guns that fire shots.
Make sure you bring everything from the gun cabinet.
There'll be a load of old guns. That's all I want.
Everything else outside the cabinet, you can keep.
Thank you very much.
There'd better be something there for us.
It's a fucking stately home,
of course there'll be something there.
- Like what? - Like fucking antiques.
Antiques! What the fuck do we know about antiques?
- We rob post offices. - We steal cars.
What the fuck do we know about antiques, mate?
If it looks old, it's worth money - simple.
Stop fucking moaning and rob the place.
Who's the guv? Who are we doing this for?
You're doing it for me - is all you need to know.
You know because you need to know.
I see. One of those "need to know basis" things.
Like one of those James Bond films.
Careful, remember who's giving you this job.
Right, I'm off. Call me when you're done.
Ta-ra.
Fucking northern monkeys.
I hate these fucking southern fairies.
'Ed has been playing cards since he could lift 'em up.
'He soon discovered he had a big advantage.
'lt's not that he's good at cards,
'or even good at counting them.
'lt's that he's good at reading people's reactions
'no matter how subtle.
'Everybody has reactions.
'Especially when it comes to money.'
# Love is kind of crazy
# With a spooky little boy like you ##
- Invitations. - Invitations?
Yeah, four pretty white pieces of paper with your names on.
We got 100,000 bits of paper with the Queen's head on.
Will that do?
Just you. The others can wait next door in Samoan Jo's.
Samoan Jo's? You mean the pub? Hold on...
Hold on to your tongue and I'll hold on to my patience.
No one in here but card players tonight - no one.
Evening, Fraser. Don, Phil.
Bit dramatic, innit?
Is it supposed to be symbolic?
Apparently it's for security.
I'd have brought my gloves if I'd have known.
You must be Eddy, JD's son.
You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
Never mind, son, you might meet him if you carry on like that.
Evening, Tanya. Been a while.
All right, Ed.
We call each other Kenny, OK, Gary?
All right, Kenny.
You gonna put your stocking on?
I spent 120 quid on my hair -
I'm not pulling a sock over it.
You have to put something on.
Three card brag, gentlemen.
Three 3s are highest, then three aces,
then running down accordingly.
Then it's a running flush, a run, a flush and then a pair.
An open man can't see a blind man.
It will cost twice the ante to see your opponent.
Don't fuck around, fellas.
You know the rules. You know I won't stand for it.
What are you doing? Put that back.
We're here to rob the guns.
Put it back - it's crap anyway.
Come on.
What sort of pub is this?
It's a Samoan pub.
What's that?
It's a cocktail - you asked for a cocktail.
I asked you to give me a refreshing drink.
I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest.
You could fall in love with an orangutan in that.
You want a pint, go to the pub.
I thought this was a pub.
It's a Samoan pub.
Can you get your man to turn the TV down?
Ask him if you like. I'd leave him well alone.
Get rid of that. Bring us a Diet Coke.
'Scuse me, can you turn that TV down?
No.
Oooh!
Whoa, whoa, Kenny.
What are you doing?
I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
You twat. Can't you see they've got no money.
They can't even afford new furniture.
We've got the guns. What's the matter?
Every time we do a job, you burn people's feet.
What's wrong with you?
You wanna be more careful, old fella. You nearly took
my man's head off with that.
You all right, Kenny?
Kenny?
Ten grand, blind.
Twenty grand, open.
Deep end, eh?
Fold.
Gotcha!
Twenty grand, open.
I fold.
Don't spend that all at once, boy.
Bloody 'ell!
What?
You said there'd be no staff, Barry.
Did you get those guns?
You wanna see what they did to poor Gary!
Gary, Gary.
I said, did you get those guns?
Yes, we got them!
Good. I'll speak to you later.
Gary, if you can hear me,
get back in the car now, mate.
Barry... Barry!
Fucking, sodding, shandy-drinking bastard!
# "Liar Liar" # by The Castaways
# Liar liar, pants on fire
# Your nose is longer than a telephone wire
# Ask me, baby, why I'm sad
# Been out all night Know you've been bad
# Don't tell me different I know it's a lie
# Come to me, honey See how I cry
# Why must you hurt me? Do what you do?
# Listen here, girl Can't you see I love you?
# Make a little effort Try to be true
# I will be happy Not so blue
# Liar liar, pants on fire
# Your nose is longer than a telephone wire
# You keep on telling me those lies
# Still going out with other guys ##
Give me my money! You fucking slags!
Give me my money!
Give me back my money!
Give it back!
Wankers! Wankers!
Come on, you. Not now, please.
You fucking bastard!
Fuck...you bastard.
Oh, my good God!
We'll take you to the cleaners!
Twenty grand open.
Thirty thousand.
Back to you already, Eddie.
Fifty grand.
Eighty grand.
One hundred grand.
Whoa, whoa whoa. Look, fellas, I know...
I know you're not in,
which means no one cares what you know.
Two hundred and fifty.
That's quite a raise.
That's one hundred and fifty on my one hundred.
Is there anything else you want to say?
As you know, this puts us in an awkward position.
I don't have enough to continue.
We'll have to see your cards if no one loans Eddie the money.
It's a loan or we see both your cards.
I will.
You will what?
I will loan you the money.
No, I think I'd rather just turn 'em over.
I'm not interested in what you would rather.
I wanna keep going.
I'm also offering you the money.
We don't have to turn 'em over because you can borrow.
I need two hundred and fifty grand.
No, you need five hundred grand to see me.
That's if I wanna see you.
You're gonna have a problem carrying on, ain't ya?
I'll see you.
OK, before I loan you this, I expect -
if you lose, of course -
my money back within a week.
Crystal? That's Sunday, OK?
Is that it?
Now let's see his fucking cards.
# "l Wanna Be Your Dog" # by The Stooges
# So messed up I want you here
# ln my room I want you here
# Now we're gonna be face to face
# And I'll lay right down in my favourite place
# And now I wanna be your dog
# And now I wanna be your dog #
# Well, come on! ##
Hello, boy. Feeling a bit poorly?
I know your friends
are responsible for most of the cash...
so I'm gonna give you one week to find it.
Otherwise I will take a finger
of each of you and your friends' hands
for every day that passes without payment.
When you've run out of digits -
your dad's bar, and who knows what then.
All right, my son?
# "Why Did You Do lt?" # by Stretch
# I've been thinking about what you have done to me
# The damage is much deeper than you'll ever see
# Hit me like a hammer to my head ##
This doesn't look good.
'He explained the unfortunate position they were in.
'Harry would start sizing up all their fingers in a week.
'He knew there was no way Ed could settle that debt alone.
'Harry saw it as their money on the table,
'so it was their debt off the table.
'Ed could've kissed the old bastard for that.
'lf he said he wanted to settle the debt on his own,
'it would have been a lie.'
I wish he would've let me settle it.
- I'm gonna kill him! - Stop fucking about.
Think about what we're gonna do. Sit down.
What's all the fuss about Harry?
Why don't we boycott the payment?
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry.
This geezer, Smithy Robinson, worked for Harry.
It was rumoured that he was on the take.
Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation.
Smithy didn't do a very good job.
Within a minute...
Harry's lost his rag.
Reached out for the nearest thing at hand -
which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber cock.
He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it.
That was seen as a pleasant way to go.
Hence Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe.
Don't worry, I'll think of something.
# I've been thinking about what you have done to me
# lmages much deeper than you'll ever see
# Hit me like a hammer to my head
# I wonder were you pushed or were you led?
# Why did you do it?
# Why did you do that thing to me? ##
Golf - the best way to spoil a good walk.
Winston Churchill said that.
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world.
And I got bigger teeth than you two.
I think our friend is trying to tell us something.
Or should I take another swing to make sure?
Give me a five iron, John.
Certainly, Dog.
Now, keep still.
Is there something you'd like to tell us?
- The fireplace. - Shut it, you idiot...
You were saying?
It's in the fireplace. Pull it out. It's in the bottom.
It's in the fireplace, Frank. Pull it out.
It's in the bottom.
Dog, I think you want to have a look at this!
You gonna let me down now?
No, I'm not finished with you yet.
Steel.
Help! Help!
Oh, Dog.
Who the hell's that? It's only 12 o'clock.
Use the cage, that's what it's there for.
Who is it?
We have got security for a reason, Willie.
Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.
This weed's getting quite a rep, fellas.
Easy.
Jesus!
Never saw you there.
Hello, love, enjoying yourself?
Is she compos?
What do you think?
Boo!
Fuck me!
Clean that up, Charles.
Sod you, you clean it up.
Sorry, fellas, that stupid cow scared the life out of me!
Never mind. Can you just sit down, stay out the way?
How much is it you want?
I'm...after an half weight.
That's 1,500. Pass the scales, Willie.
Give us some gear, J.
Any chance of actually seeing the...money?
The odds are 100-1.
All we need is five grand.
I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rockin' horse.
Those odds are for a good reason, Bacon - it won't win!
- Where's Eddie? - Where do you think?
The bottom of a bottle, has been for two days.
- It's hit him hard. - It's hit us all hard!
He's got to tell his dad he's about to lose his bar.
Listen to this one.
You start a company - "Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club"
- You what? - Put an advert in a gay mag,
advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos.
You sell it with...
"Does what no other dildo can do until now.
"The latest and greatest in sexual technology.
"Guaranteed results." All that bollocks.
These dils cost 25 quid a pop -
a snip for the pleasure they'll give the recipients.
They send their cheques to the other company name.
Not offensive, "Bobby's Bits" or something, for 25 quid.
You stick it in the bank until it clears.
This is the smart bit.
You send back the cheque for 25 pound
from the other company name -
"Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club" - saying we're sorry,
we couldn't get supplies from America - they ran out of stock.
You see how many people cash that cheque.
Not a single soul.
Who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse?
How long do you have to wait till you see a return?
Probably no more than four weeks.
What good is that if we need it in six - no, five days?
Well, it's still a good idea.
He may know we smoke a lot, burn a bit of profit,
but he can't have any idea
how much hard currency we've accumulated.
I don't know. Do you know?
We can just...slice it off the top.
You guys have got to realise who this chap is.
He might look a bit silly, but he's a fucking lunatic.
If he gets an inkling we're not throwing straight dice,
you and me are gonna know
what the sharp side of a kebab knife feels like.
So you know these geezers well?
Enough -
I bought gear off one of 'em for a coupla years.
- What they like, then? - Poofs! Nothing heavy.
Four public school boys, soft as shite.
They ponce around in hippy clothes all day
talking bollocks - they're just good at growing weed.
Business got bigger than what they can handle.
They can't all be stupid.
They got a container load of cash in shoe boxes,
they sell class A gear -
someone sensible must be involved.
What about security?
There's a gate they never lock.
What d'you mean never lock? Why've they got it, then?
I must've been there 50 times - it's never locked.
They're not suspicious. Everyone that goes there's a toff.
They're into that karma crap -
"l don't harm nobody, nobody harms me."
No way they can get back to you?
They'd be too scared - I'm a geezer.
Got no muscle - gutless faggots.
Fancy one?
Why all the flapping? You told the old man yet?
Hoping I won't need to.
I've got a plan. Listen carefully.
- Hello, boys. - Harry.
Do you want a drink?
Hello, my son. D'you want a lolly?
Piss off, you nonce.
Oi, watch it!
No, thanks, Harry. We're both all right.
Nice shooter.
One of a pair - Holland and Holland.
D'you wanna hold it?
Not my thing, thanks, Harry.
Business good? I imagine that's why I'm here.
Four young fellas got in deeper than they could handle.
They owe me half a million pound.
- How much? - Half a million.
I'm game.
Me too.
Oh, God!
Right. We hit 'em as soon as they come back.
We'll be prepared. Waiting.
And they're armed.
What was that? Armed?
What d'you mean armed? Armed with what?
Bad breath, colourful language, feather duster?
What do you think they'll be armed with?
Guns, you tit!
You never said anything about guns.
A minute ago this was the safest job in the world.
Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia!
Soap, stop being such a mincer.
- I've thought about that and... - And what exactly?
All we have to do is find out who's carrying 'em.
They could all be carrying 'em for what we know.
No. Only one of 'em carries them going to the job.
I assume the same one will carry 'em back.
You assume?
What is it - assumption is the brother of all fuck-ups?
It's the mother of all fuck-ups!
Brother, mother, any other sucker.
It don't make any difference.
They're still fucking guns and they still fire fucking bullets!
Soap, if you have a better idea how to get £500,000
in the next few days, let us know.
In the meantime, Tom,
talk to Nick the Bubble about shifting the weed.
- Weed? - No, it's not normal weed.
It's fucked-up skunk, Class A,
"l can't think let alone move" shit.
Doesn't sound very good to me.
Neither me - depends what flicks your switch.
The light is on and burning brightly for the masses.
Anyway, do you know anyone?
I know a man, yes.
Rory Breaker.
Not that madman with an afro?
I don't want anything to do with him.
You won't have to. Just get me a sample.
No can do.
What's that - a place near Kathmandu?
Meet me half-way, mate.
It's all completely chicken soup.
- It's what? - It's kosher...as Christmas.
Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
Never mind that. I'm gonna need some artillery.
Coupla sawn-off shotguns.
A bit heavy. This is London, not the Lebanon.
Who d'you think I am?
I think you're Nick the Greek.
Hold those two.
I don't normally have anything to do with weed.
But if it is what he says it is,
I'll take it off him for three and a half grand a key.
If it is what he says it is.
I don't want to see it after a sample,
I don't want to touch it after a sample.
I'll leave you in the capable hands of Nathan here.
He'll sort out the details.
Just let me tell you one thing...
if the milk turns out to be sour,
I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it.
D'you know what I mean?
Rory Breaker.
I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated.
He's a funny-looking fucker, I know.
You've got to look past the hair and the cute cuddly thing.
It's all a deceptive façade.
A few nights ago his roger iron busted.
He'd gone down the battle cruiser to watch the football.
No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel.
A fat geezer's north opens.
He wanders up and turns the Liza over.
"Fuck off and watch it somewhere else."
He knows claret is imminent,
but he doesn't want to miss the game.
Calm as a coma, picks up the fire extinguisher,
walks past the jam rolls ready for action
and plonks it outside the entrance.
He orders an aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly
in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer.
"That's fucking it," says the geezer.
"That's fucking what?" says Rory.
He gobs out a mouthful of booze, covering Fatty.
He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest
and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe.
Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game.
His team's won, too. Four nil.
Oi! ls your hair supposed to look like that?
- All right, short stuff. - Never mind short stuff.
Next time we do a job like this we want more money.
Or we're going back to post offices. Fuck that!
Where's the others?
There was no others.
Stop fucking around. The others - the old ones.
I don't know what you mean.
There were two old guns. Where are they now?
Not in the cabinet.
There were some old hammer-lock muskets the butler was carrying.
- They were ours. We sold them. - Unsell them!
We had to sell them. We needed the money.
I am not fucking interested.
If you don't wanna be counting the fingers you haven't got,
I suggest you get those guns. Quick!
Jesus! lf I pick 'em up, will they stay in one piece?
Where'd you get them?
I got contacts. Listen, Tom -
you point them at me, I'll shit myself or do whatever you say.
Either way you get the desired effect.
They look very nice, I agree.
They're lacking in criminal credibility, ain't they?
I might get laughed at.
How much d'you want for these muskets?
700 each.
What - a pound for every year they been about?
They're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices.
Bit long, ain't they?
Sawn-offs are out.
People want a bit more range these days.
I don't wanna blow the arse out of this country,
but I don't want anyone blowing a raspberry either.
I want to look...fucking mean.
Of course you'll look mean.
You'll look really scary.
Enough. What about this geezer who sells drugs?
Rory Breaker's standing by.
You stand to make a lot of money, tubby Tommy?
I understand this has come as a shock.
Let me tell you how this can be resolved
by you, the good father.
Go on.
- He likes your bar. - Yes.
He wants your bar.
And?
D'you want me to draw you a picture?
Look, that boy doesn't know his arsehole from his earhole.
This is my bar. It's got nothing to do with him.
What, and I care?
Remember, you have the luxurious advantage
of being able to sustain your son's life.
You do have a reputation -
so I'll choose my words very carefully.
You tell Harry to go fuck himself.
Now...
I'll put that down to shock.
Only once.
Only once can l, or shall l, let you get away with that.
Your son's got three days to find half a mill.
Make up your mind which you prefer -
your bar...or your son.
Plank goes in first.
There's a cage, but it's never locked, is it, Plank?
Never.
Once he's set, he lets the rest of us in.
We'll get nasty, shit 'em up.
These wankers shouldn't give us any problems.
Like any cowboys - there'll be a few tools lying around.
When the job's done, we come straight back here and unload.
And Robert's your father's brother.
Everyone savvy?
Sweet.
Have a look at these.
What are we supposed to do with these?
Put them on your head, stupid.
Christ!
If you think I'm turning up clean-shaven,
greet them with a grin, you've got another think coming.
These fellas are your neighbours.
I thought it might be a good idea to disguise ourselves.
Right...er, good thinking, Soap. Well done.
I brought weapons as well.
What do you mean weapons?
These.
Jesus!
Let's keep 'em covered up.
Couldn't you get anything bigger?
What, like that?
What d'you think?
I think you need help.
Bar steward, can we have a coupla drinks, please.
Have you seen your dad?
Hatchet sent one of his men round.
Oh, shit. When?
Crazy.
Where'd you get these, a fucking museum?
Nick the Greek.
How much did you part with?
700 for the pair.
Drachmas, I hope.
I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick.
These are gonna do more harm than good.
Jesus, Tom. Do these work?
I don't know. Look nice though. I rather like 'em.
That's top of priorities, that is.
Ladies, back to more important issues, if you don't mind.
We've only got two real guns - apparently that's what they are.
So we find a good place to hide next door.
We wait till it's the right time, then jack-in-the-box,
Iook nasty and stuff, cocoon 'em in gaffer tape, nick their van,
swap the gear into the new van and bring it back here.
As long as we're out of our hiding places quickly,
it's the last thing you'd expect.
If Tom or anyone else feels like giving 'em a kicking,
I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody.
If you know what I mean.
Also, I think knives are a good idea.
Big, fuck-off shiny ones.
Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile.
Knives are good because they don't make any noise.
The less noise they make, the more likely we are to use 'em.
Shit 'em right up.
Makes it look like we're serious.
Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more worrying, the job or your past?
Come on, girls.
Where the fuck are they going? Shift a piano?
I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Where'd they get those outfits?
Not a bad idea that.
All right, it's Plank. Is Willie there?
No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.
Perhaps you can help.
Perhaps I can't, if you know what I mean.
If you could open the door so I could talk without shouting.
I can't help.
You'll find it's in your interest.
Hold on, OK?
Willie, it's Plank for you. He says it's in our interest.
I don't care if it's King-fucking-Kong,
he's not coming in here, not today.
Hold on. We are in business and...correct me if I'm wrong
but that is business.
Corrected. That's a walking accident we can do without.
Jesus. He's OK... He knows only to buy weights now.
We're looking at at least a couple of thou'.
What do you think, Winston?
Willie, this is the last time. All right?
You and the money are going out the back.
If he knows you're here, he'll be all day.
Just clear this shit up!
What, now?
Yes! Now! Just get rid of him quick.
All right. Just coming.
What the fuck is he doing?
Come on, I can't wait out here all day!
Just coming.
I thought you was gonna leave me out there all day.
I didn't know you were a removals man, Plank.
Lives and learns, don't ya? Keep the gates locked now?
Ya, sorry. Gotta do business like this now.
Can't be too careful these days.
I know.
Say a word, the right ear goes, another your left!
- What are you doing, Plank? - What do you think?
Hang on, what are you doing?
Unlock the gate! Unlock the fucking gate!
That's it. Go, go, go! Fucking move!
What the fuck's going on?
Hang on, I've got the keys.
The gate's locked.
I don't believe the fucking gate's locked.
What you done to Fauntleroy?
I didn't touch him. He passed out.
Shut the door! D'you want the world to see?
What's going on down there?
Shit!
Charles, get the rifle out.
We're being fucked.
It must be this one.
Hold that gun. Plank, give me the keys.
Don't point that at my bollocks!
Planks of wood. I'm working with fucking planks of wood.
Shit! What the fuck is that?
What the fuck's that?
It's my bren gun.
Haven't you got something more practical?
Don't none of you slags move. I'll kill the lot of you!
Who you gonna kill, Plank? There's no one there?
Aaagh! They fucking shot me!
Well, shoot 'em back.
Jesus, Plank! Couldn't you get smokeless cartidges?
Shit, I've been shot.
I don't believe this. Could everyone stop getting shot?
John, sit down and patch yourself up, you tart!
It's a fucking air rifle!
- What the fuck was that? - The bren gun.
Fire that gun again, you're a dead man.
No ifs, no buts, you're a dead man!
I've got bollock ache with this. Where's my fucking gun?
Now I've got your attention. Firstly, I'll blow his toes off.
There go his toes.
If you want me out of here, open the fucking gate
or I'm gonna blow his leg off!
They're gonna kill us if we do, man.
Poor J'll certainly get it if we don't. He's serious.
I'm losing patience. Hurry up, girls!
It's all fucking right!
Willie, he doesn't know you're here...
Sort something out.
And all your friends, there's a good lad.
- There's only three of us here. - I don't believe you.
- I'm gonna blow his leg off. - There's only three of us!
- Plank? - Yeah, one of 'em's out.
Open the gate.
Up, up, up, there's a good lad.
John, get them tied up. Plank, where's the money?
In those shoe-boxes.
- Where? - Out the back.
- And the weed? - Out the back.
- Point. - With what?
- Your hands! - I'm tied up.
Nod your head or something.
Check it out. Plank, get Paul out that van lively.
Knife.
I'm gonna cut him. Make sure he knows he's dead.
How you doing, Mick?
How d'you think? He's nearly chopped my arm off.
Jesus Christ.
Gordon Bennett.
What the fuck's been going on here?
Shut up, you idiot. It's Hanukkah.
Don't just stand there.
Can you fit it all in?
There's a lot...l can't get Epping Forest in my van.
Bollocks to can't.
You'll fit it all in if you have to make two trips.
Bollocks!
If you don't move it, we will move it.
- I'll only be a minute. - You've already been 15.
- Come and have a look. - At what exactly?
- The van's half full. - So?
All I've got to do is fill it up, put you in it...
What?
..and I'm off.
Can you carry more than one bag this time?
- I can't. My neck, Dog. - How many more bags?
Just a couple.
Mick, you dead yet?
I'll be all right. Once I've dealt with that lanky prick.
Do it quietly.
Time to say "Goodnight, nurse".
Where the fuck did she come from?
Tie her up. We're out of here.
Not like that, you idiot. Give it us here.
What you doing, Ed?
D'you want one?
No, I fucking don't. You cannot make tea, Edward.
The British Empire was built on cups of tea.
And look what happened.
If you think I'm going to war without one, you're mistaken.
Going to war with what?
Have you forgotten those guns, you dozy prat?
You won't get away with this.
- Paul, what's that? - It's a traffic warden.
What's he doing in the back of the van?
He was gonna call the cozzers.
Fair enough - we'll deal with him later.
How we doing, Tom?
Right as rain.
I'm gonna take care of the cabs.
Keep us posted.
Do you do airports?
Where are we gonna hide?
Don't complicate things. Just hide.
We're on.
They weigh a pound or two!
Shut up and back up!
Spin round, big boy.
Fuck!
Stay down. Stay down!
Tie 'em up. Tape 'em up. Hands and face.
On the floor!
Bend over the fucking desk.
Keys. I want keys, now.
I'll find ya.
'Course you will, sweetheart.
I'll find ya.
What d'you think this is? Fucking hide and seek?
That one. Search that one.
Right, I'll see you in the van,
when you've finished with handsome.
Jesus. That wasn't too bad, was it?
When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butchers.
We've hit the jackpot, lads.
We've got God knows how much of this stinking weed.
A shitload of cash.
And a traffic warden.
What?
Jesus, Ed. We got a traffic warden.
I think he's still alive.
He's got claret coming out of him somewhere.
What did they want with a traffic warden?
I don't know. I don't think we need him.
Knock him out and dump him at the lights.
What d'you mean, knock him out? With what?
Use your imagination.
Don't touch him up. Knock him out.
I'll knock you out!
You wanna knock him out, you knock him out.
I fucking hate traffic wardens.
It's about time you gave my young friends a visit, Chris.
Tomorrow's the day and mum's the word.
I can't have that, can l, Baz?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean it's a liberty.
I can't have a liberty taken, can l, Chris?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole.
I can't have the arsehole, can l, boys?
No, Harry, you can't.
All right, that's it. We're done.
We're off.
Ed, are you sure it's a good idea taking this back to yours?
It's the only place we can, and the last place they'll look.
Anyway, fuck it. The battle is over and the war is won.
Tom, take this to Nick the Bubble and get rid of it quick.
This skunk is as good as it gets.
All right. We'll take it. Half price.
I don't think he'll like that.
You said three five a key. That's a good price.
That was yesterday.
Now it's today if I'm not mistaken.
We'll take it tomorrow. Half price.
If he wants to get rid of it quick, he'll have to take it.
Look, I've got a race coming up, so if you'd be kind enough...
Lenny,
take that round to Snow White and the three little chemists.
They should have a gander at that.
I want a second opinion.
Hang on a minute, Nathan, something stinks.
Yeah, your fucking aftershave.
Fuck you, funny man.
For God's sake, help me.
I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain!
Go in slowly, Nathan.
Fuck you, funny man. You go first.
Get the fuck in there!
I want this house searched for bugs, stripped.
Even if there was a bug, they'd have taken it with 'em.
It's a bit late for you to start thinking.
If it's a possibility, that's good enough for me.
Then I want every slag this side of Ceylon pulled in
and tortured...badly.
I want to know who's responsible for this,
otherwise I hold you responsible.
Not a bad day.
That pile takes care of Harry.
What's left over?
Give me half a chance to count it.
What about this gear, then?
Oh, what, you want a toke on that?
No. I don't want any of that horrible shit.
Can we lock up and get drunk now, please?
We shot one of them... in the...er, throat.
What d'you want, a medal?
I'll shoot you if I don't get my ganja back.
The one you shot. Is he still in there?
No, it was another one.
That's more like it. Where is he?
Well, they...they took him with them.
He's still, still alive.
What did you shoot him with? An air gun?
Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
You don't say.
Who could it be? Where do we start, Rory?
Mr Breaker.
Today my name is Mr Breaker.
You think this is a coincidence?
This white shite steals my things
and thinks he can sell it back to me!
He's got less brains than you, Lenny!
Get Nick - the greasy wop
shistos pezavengy gammore Greek bastard round here now,
if he's stupid enough to be on this planet.
# Come with me, I'll fill you with desire
# Take my hand and we'll walk this land together ##
Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.
Uuh?
Don't uuh me, Greek boy.
How is it your fucking stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends
thought that they could steal my cannabis
and then sell it back to me?
Is this a declaration of war?
Is this some white cunt's joke?
'Cause I'm not fucking laughing, Ni-ko-las!
You couldn't have known my position,
'cause you're not that stupid that if you did,
you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse,
with that "what's going on" look on your chevy chase.
But you do know where these people live.
If you hold back anything, I'll kill you.
If you bend the truth, or I think you are, I'll kill you.
If you forget anything, I'll kill you.
In fact, you'll have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick.
Do you understand everything I've said?
Because if you don't, I'll kill you.
Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak... you may enlighten me.
So we've got a bit of a problem, ain't we?
Er, well...yeah, we do.
In fact, this is a bit more than a bit of a problem.
It's the Mount fucking Everest of problems!
The reason it's such a fucking monstrosity of a problem is...
you haven't got the first idea who did this to us, have you?
We've been up all night. It's no one from round here.
We've had 'em all lined up against the wall.
If it was a toerag from the manor, we'd know.
- We'd know. - You'd fucking know!
You wouldn't know if it was the next door neighbours!
Get out there and find them!
I'm sick of the fucking sight of you!
"Scarface" - I've watched "Scarface".
If you want to know how to do a drug deal, watch "Scarface".
That really inspires confidence.
This guy, Rory Breaker...
Rory Breaker - psychotic black dwarf with an afro?
That'll be the same man, yes.
I've heard of him - he's a fucking lunatic.
He can afford the deal at the price we're selling.
It's not worth him giving us any trouble.
He knows we'll be a pain in the arse. Who needs that?
I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
The fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Will you stop flirting for a minute?
After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up...
nearly 200,000 pounds each.
Not bad for a morning's work, I think you'll agree.
So they had the cash.
And the puff.
Cheeky bastards. Count it.
Shit, Dog. There's a lot.
Do you want to do it next door?
We're not going next door
'til we've flayed them dead men walking.
We'll count it upstairs.
I don't want them to see you fingering the money.
Dog, look...
Give it us here...dozy bastard.
Check your guns. Get yourselves well hid.
Wait till they get right inside the door, then give it 'em.
Give me them shooters, you can use your own.
Yeah.
That's no way to answer the phone.
Is that you, Dean?
It's Lord fucking Lucan. Who do you think it is?
What can I do for you?
Those guns I sold you, I need them back.
Not likely. I don't think I'll be seeing them again.
I've got the money to pay for them.
I'm sure you do. But you don't understand.
I ain't seeing them or the guns again.
We can't get them.
If we can't get them, we can't get them.
You'll have to get them.
We made a deal for everything inside the cabinet.
Inside, outside - I don't give a shit.
Get those guns because if you don't...
Yeah, Bazza, or what?
Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale?
Otherwise known as "Hack You Up With an Hatchet Harry"?
Well, this is...
James Bond, need-to-know time.
When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.
Know what I mean?
I mean find 'em, torture 'em and kill 'em.
And bring back what belongs to me.
Because if you don't, your family's bang in trouble.
Who was that?
That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.
Jesus, I've heard of him.
Shit, they were his fucking guns we sold.
We've got to find them.
No fucking about, Nick. Where can I find those guns?
Six black cocks and a little white kitten
sitting on the side of the road.
We're gonna do a proper decoration job.
I want the grey skies of London illuminated.
I want that house painted red.
All right, there's this brass standing on the corner.
Dwarf walks up to her carrying a suitcase...
Winston there is gonna come along
and see if he recognises any of them.
Watch out for these fellas -
they've got a bit of an arsenal and they don't mind using it.
I'm taking down her panties...
Does everyone know what they got to do?
Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
You got something here for me, have you?
Chop-chop.
Thank you very much.
He's got the guns.
- You get them. - Why me?
You're supposed to be the hard case...
You get the guns! I drive the car!
Good boy.
- Get the fucking guns. - YOU get the fucking guns!
You fucking big...
All right. Wrap them guns up.
Count the money.
Put your seat belt on.
We've got to get the fucking guns or we're dead!
..so I made sure I fucked the one that was coughing.
Get out the car, you yuppy fucker!
He's the one we shot in the neck.
Is that right, Mr Botanical?
Jesus!
I don't believe this. What the fuck has happened here?
Jesus.
The money. The gear.
This is fucked.
No money. No weed.
It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.
All right. Don't panic. Let's think about this.
Fuck that, you can think about it.
I'm panicking and I'm off.
How did you get your hands on these, then?
The boys had 'em.
I know you like these sort of things -
wondered if you wanted 'em.
Yeah, I'll have 'em.
- Was it hard getting the money? - Not especially.
Upset a few characters, though.
Have you counted it?
Yeah, it's all there, to the pound.
- They were gonna pay? - Looks like it.
But who knows? The opportunity was there.
In my experience it's best to take that opportunity -
if it's there.
Good work, Chris.
We've got to get those guns.
We don't know who lives there.
I don't care who lives there!
All's I know is it's preferable to death by Hatchet.
Fair enough. Let's go.
I don't think it's the right move.
It's either that
the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily.
- I'm gonna phone him. - As if he'll care.
He'll care. That was supposed to be his money.
Whether he cares about us is different.
Pass me the phone.
Yeah? That you, boy?
It's Ed, if that's what you mean.
'Pay day, ain't it?'
Yeah...l wanted to talk to you about that.
I'll bet you do.
I got half a million nicker here,
which means some poor sod doesn't.
You've upset a few people.
But that really isn't my concern, is it?
What does concern me... is the guns you had.
'l want to talk to you about that.'
So get your arse here now. And I mean now!
Bastard! You fucking bastard!
Bastard!
What the fuck are you doing here?
Job well done. We made a few quid out of that one.
Son...?
Made a few quid, did you?
Where's what I want?
You all right there, mate?
Very fucking funny. Where's what I want?
I've just left it in the office.
We'd better get it, if you want your son to see his birthday.
- Now chop-fucking-chop. - All right. fair enough.
Where you going?
It's a thirty second drive or a five minute walk.
I couldn't have parked outside, I'd have got a ticket.
I suppose that don't matter now, does it?
Just be careful.
Right.
You and me.
You and who?
You know where the door handle is, Tom.
# "The Payback" # by James Brown
# Pay back
# That's it, pay back.
# Revenge, I'm mad
# Get down with my girlfriend
# That ain't right ##
Oh, no. Not again.
That's it. I'm off.
Tom...that is our bag.
- Ed...! - Hold on.
This is our bag.
That's it. We're off.
- I'm gonna take these guns. - Tom, don't fuck about!
It'll only take a minute.
What is going on?
I don't know, but I do know there's no more Harry.
Which means there's no more debt.
If there's no more debt, there's no more problem.
And there's no problem with the neighbours - they're all dead.
And I think, if I get this right,
we haven't done anything wrong and we're in the clear.
Never ever...
has anyone been as fucking rude...
..to me as you!
You fucking...bastard!
All right, mate?
Cheeky bastard!
'This was an embarrassing position for Tom to be in.
'But Chris had to respect the fact that he was holding
'what appeared to be a pair of loaded shotguns.
'Tom had to respect the fact that they were not loaded.
'So without anybody losing too much face,
'Tom left through a side door and Chris left with the money.
'Everybody else got arrested.'
He's not one of 'em.
# Sitting in the cheap seats underneath the stars
# I'm heading back to base
# I'll drop you off at mars ##
Your dad would like a word with you, Ed.
Where are the others?
They got out yesterday. They're at the bar.
# I'm a man machine
# Takin' gasoline
# Super-human being ##
All right, Dad?
I'm all right. How about yourself?
I'm all right. Could do with a drink, though.
All in good time.
So, are you in the clear?
More importantly...am l?
It appears so.
Appears? You'll have to do better than fucking appears.
Well, everybody's dead, Dad.
That's about as clear as it can get.
How about that drink?
You know where the bar is.
Eh?
Don't make yourself too comfortable.
Alan's got to sit there. Alan!
You're lucky you're still breathing,
Iet alone able to walk.
I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.
# 'Cause I'm a man machine
# Takin' gasoline
# I'm a teen dream
# Super-human being
# I'm a man machine
# I'm a man machine ! ##
You took your time. Where the hell have you been?
Sit down. I'll tell you.
The traffic warden identified the neighbours' bodies.
Which sort of puts us in the clear.
The only thing connecting us with the case...
..is those shotguns.
And Tom took care of them.
You did take care of the shotguns?
I wanted to talk about that.
Well, talk.
Well, actually...no.
They're in the car. I was gonna sell 'em to Nick,
but I couldn't get hold of him.
You dippy bastard.
So...the only thing connecting us with the case
is in the back of your car, which is parked outside!
They cost 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw 'em away.
They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, are they?
You think it's worth the risk for £700?
Tom, you're a dick!
Take those guns and throw 'em off a bridge.
And yourself while you're at it.
Now.
Look, all I'm...
Now, Tom!
Can I have a beer, please, Dad?
I'm busy. Get it yourself.
It seemed Hatchet underestimated you lot.
And it seems to have cost him.
I ain't gonna make the same mistake, am l?
So I've decided to bring your bag back.
I think the word you're looking for, gentlemen, is "thank you".
Thank you.
You've presented me with a problem.
I've lost my employer.
So I've taken care of meself and me son.
If you think that's unfair, pay me a little visit.
But you better be waving a white flag,
high and clear so as I can see it.
Or it'll be the last visit you ever make. Understand?
That's all I've come to say.
There is one more thing...
It's been emotional.
# "Fool's Gold" # by The Stone Roses
# The gold road's sure a long road
# Winds on through the hills for fifteen days ##
We are now officially in the money-lending business, son.
Put your seatbelt on.
We're out of here.
It's empty.
# The pack on my back is aching
# The strap seems to cut me like a knife
# I'm no clown I won't back down
# I don't need you to tell me what's going down...
What's his number?
You'll jam the line! I'll call him!
My fucking batteries!
- You muppet! - Give me the phone!
- I'll dial it! - Tell me the number!
- Give me your phone! - You'll break it!
You'll break it and it'll be fucked!
Shut it. It's fucking ringing!
# "Oh Girl" # by Mauro Pawloski
# I'm eighteen with a bullet
# Got my finger on the trigger
# I'm gonna pull it
# I've picked a clip now I'm the son of a gun
# So hold it right there, Little girl, little girl
# We're gonna have big fun
# I may be an oldie
# But I'm a goodie, too
# I'll last forever
# And I'll be good to you Oh, yes, I will...